Tuesday, February 27, 2007
ah finally, 20 more hours left before i leave singapore once again, this time for another 9 mths in cazaux, france. life has been a real whirlwind ever since i signed on to be a pilot. so many things have happened in every aspect of my life. certainly it has helped me to grow alot. even though some were not exactly desirable qualities, i'm satisfied to a certain extent in the person i've become. sure i'm a much darker person now, with many mistakes i've committed that i've certainly regretted. yet, this career has made me a bit more confident in myself, and hopefully it shows in the way i do things, but hopefully it hasnt changed me to an arrogant asshole as of yet. and i do hope france does not do the same too. fighter pilot training will no doubt be tough and though i'm not sure if i've the iron will to persevere through the training, fortune does favour the brave. not that i'm saying i have a choice! haha, but yeah, i'm relishing the challenge in a way, seeing how far i can go certainly, and if i could really survive france this time with less bouts of depression, loneliness and watchamacallit. i'm very afraid of leaving singapore, one for my family, who i've never spent enough time with, and all the attitude i've shown them time and again. they deserve much better. i've tried to be a better person, yet somehow i feel i've not tried my best. another's the fear that i'll drift further and further away from my friends. these 6 mths have been nothing short of spectacular because of them. yet, i do regret not being able to keep in contact with a few close friends i had, all because i didnt try hard enough to. i'm really grateful to jason n dy for spending so much time with me, even though their exams are approaching and they do NEED to study, they better not screw up their exams cos of me. and to all the new friends i've met, i thank you all for coming into my life. i'm quite blessed in the way that the people i've befriended are all very nice people, though i do wonder when will my luck run out. pj, sorry for not being able to meet up with you even though i've been back for 6 mths already. i've always thought that i'll have time to meet up with you the past few mths, until i realised that i'm gonna be busy when my simulators started early this yr, and yet i didnt make the effort to meet up with you. we'll do so when i'm back from france k? and sorry to zesin too, for missing some of the training sessions that i really wanted to go, yet cos of my laziness and late nights, i always wake up late and miss the training. didnt meet up with you during the last few wks before i'm due to leave too. so sorry bout that.
fear has always been in my mind since i came back from australia. from losing friends, not being able to 'tahan' the training, leaving too early too soon, going blind during eye surgery, not being able to get my driving license before i left, et cetera. and i'm damn lucky that all of that did not happen. and now the fear is back, that i'll suffer hard in france, get depressed, lose touch with my friends and so much more that i fear. its good in a way that i cant back out of this, unless someone donates me some 500k, haha, because i do realise that this is actually making me grow as a person. for better or worse, it beats sitting on my laurels (not that i'm that great a person) and not making progress. oh yes, and i did get my license, and i'm terrorising drivers on the streets thanks to dy for lending me his car for a wk.
there's a lot of 'i hope' in the 1st para i realised, because hope's what's keeping me going, even though sometimes, hope is a terrible thing to have.
